lucky.

i almost lost my laptop last night!
went for sophan's item at blk 44 and there was a sudden change of venue, studio 73.
and i put my bag on top of my laptop on the bench.
left blk 44 without realising that my laptop was left behind.
until at about 1030pm, at NP bus stop then realised that my hands were damn free.
i went like, "fuck! my laptop!"
ran to studio 73, dont have.
then i ran to clubhouse to put my bag first. at the same time, i was screaming fuck as i entered and put my bag down.
thanks morgan for accompanying me.
so we ran all the way to blk 44.
yah, and i was screaming fuck, cb, nb, knn along the way.
and thank goodness my laptop was still lying on the bench.

damn heng i tell you!!
imagine if the laptop wasn't at the bench, i think i would be uber screwed.
because not only my mum would scream at me, my FYP stuffs are inside too.
so if laptop missing, all the scientifc journals, documents and research stuffs would be all gone as well.
anyway, it's a good thing that i found my laptop. i must be more careful in future.

"everything will fall into place"
initially when i heard this sentence, i had doubts about it.
but now, i totally agree and believe in this sentence.
as long as we do our best, as long as we keep trying, as long as we know how to calm ourselves down when things get tight.
everything WILL fall into place!

totally haywired!

something's wrong with me seriously.
i feel my mind, body, emotions, appetite and everything are all haywired.
my nose is killing me. first was my throat, now the nose.
my mind is in a mess. i cant think properly.
i get tired easily. freshie item on wednesday, supposed to full out. but when i think back, i guess i only went like 65%. totally lost control of my body.
emotions, one minute it is up in heaven, the next minute it drops like bird shit.
my appetite lately has been very bad. i dont enjoy the food i eat, i will give the 'i am full' face when i eat. even if i buy a really nice meal that is kinda expensive, i wont enjoy it at all. yes, i am just eating for the sake of the eating. there's totally no meaning in it at all.
even when i shit, i dont enjoy it at all.
and i've not been sleeping well. a sweet dream would really do me good.

one word to describe me: SCREWED!

i am tired, both mentally and physically.
i am alright with juggling both FYP and dance together at the same time.
but nothing is going smoothly for me. every direction found always leads to a roadblock. every step i take, i get stuck.
i keep trying, but it's still not enough.
and when i return home these few days, i always feel down.
i cant seem to motivate myself much more.
i really feel like just breaking away from everything.
everything is just piling up onto me and i've got no where to escape.
i need to breathe.

confidence, faith & determination.
i am starting to lose them all.
i really dont know what to do.
the only thing i can do is to keep reminding myself my priorities.
i just hope that everything turns out fine...

dont give up, joel!

seriously, i hate you YAPass!!
i really dont like you. the thought of meeting up with you regarding FYP, the thought of emailing you, the thought of calling you...really turns me off.
damn! i really am pissed with YAPass.
everytime we have meeting regarding FYP, i always feel demoralised after that. during the meeting, he will always bomb loads of questions and expect his students to answer them. if i knew what i am totally doing, if i knew all the answers to his questions, would i still find him for his guidance and advices?
ask him for advice, he think we are asking for answers. tell him the problem, he ask us what we are going to do about the problem. he's like not leading us to any direction, but just throwing us at one corner and let us die. i dont need his answers, all i need is guidance.
and the minute he said, "what else have you done over the week? please enlighten me." i was damn demoralised already.
today he stressed me so much with his stupid questions which i cannot answer but want to ask him for his advice. lucky dr THK came into the room, if not, i would definitely break down.
then YAPass still dont want to give his number and still want to continue to communicate through email. "i am always contactable in my office." MY FOOT ARH! there was once i tried calling him the whole day but he never pick up.
dr THK is so much better please. before he left, he told us to call/sms him if we got any questions. at least i got a nice supervisor that i can still seek for help. i'm gonna show YAPass that he is totally not important as a supervisor because all he can do is just ask you questions instead of helping you solve problems.
had bo jian dai self pract today also. damn! my turnings suck like hell! then chorus always lag. i've got to practise alot more for bo jian dai. then it's always because of the turnings that make me lag at chorus. there's no other option, got to train my turnings!! listen to the music even more times!!
i'm gonna have to put in all my effort on both FYP and dance! i cant give up, and i cant give in especially to people like YAPass. i want to play too, i want to have fun, i want to relax, i want to have holidays. but i cant, because it's year 3. i've yet to watch Step Up 2, but i guess i got to give it a miss. sacrifices have to be made.
as long as i dont give up, continue to do my best, keep on trying, and put in effort in what i do, i guess such sacrifices wont go to waste.

shut down.

i need to shut down for awhile.
my throat is killing me.
my body is feeling fatigue.
past 2 days of dance has really drained every single drop of energy.

what i need now, is rest.

in the process of breaking down soon.

seriously, FYP isn't going smoothly at all.
i get super envious when i see other groups stepping into their labs and doing their experiments already.
communication with my supervisor(YAPass) is like totally crap. his 'wonderful' idea of communicating through email, totally inefficient.
dr THK is on YEP, and i seriously want him to come back asap to enlighten me.
on the other hand, YAPass is giving hell.
other groups are like at stage 2, the experiment stage.
while i am still at the planning stage.
there's so much to be done, and YAPass gave denyse and i until next monday to come out with experimental objective/direction and work plan...or else(it's over).

i am in the process of breaking down soon.
super worried, stressed & pek chek until i cannot sleep.
literature review got rejected again.
protocol still not complete.
project management not done.
timeline needs to be changed.
and now, there's formulation of serum-free media.
the thought of all these can seriously make you feel like crap.
totally screwed up.

just leave me alone for awhile...

worried!

damn! i'm super worried about myself now!
it all started during sophan's item yesterday because had to dance in front of everyone.
i screwed up big time! super duper nervous when i was in front of everyone. could feel my legs shaking, then in the end, lock also cannot lock properly, movements all become small, then got one part my mind went blank, then timing out!
damn! i need to learn how to be less tense when it comes to this kind of situation, and i need to be much more confident.

yesterday also went for TPDE production. i think it was good, but $15 abit too much. because i felt that the whole thing was kinda short. i was expecting it to be longer. the energy that the dancers brought out was good, especially modern dance. and i was also expecting more hiphop items too. anyway...
after the production, i kept thinking about the showmanship, the energy, the confidence. i dont know how sia?

then today, went to school again to practise bo jian dai, and also to show Ann. nervous again lah!! damn man, seriously! then screwed up so much until i became kinda pek chek with myself. morale went down, down and down.

shit sia! with my current standard now, confirm screw up like fuck one! then plus somemore get nervous so easily, is confirm 100% will really screw up like big fuck one!
now just normal practise dance in front of everyone and also show Ann only, can get so nervous and screw up so much...just imagine, during Song & Dance how??
guess i got no other choice but to keep on practising and practising. get the steps all right and clear. then about the nervous part, not sure about it. need to get used to it. think it takes time bah...
i've got to really jia you!

sleep is screwing me up.

i need to stop sleeping!!

back from trial camp.

trial camp is over.
super tired after camp lah, actually during camp already very tired. friday night never get much sleep, then plus that night got sophan's item.
saturday morning got freshie item (super no feel to dance lah!), then after that got to run mass games for the GLs, then straight after mass games, got to go back for sophan's item. then halfway during sophan's item, my legs already so tired, abit cannot balance but still got to hang in there.
after that got to go all the way to kismis and take over lendl. got to really thank lendl for helping me while i was away!
whole day never eat. yes, i don't like define! i'd rather just drink water. well, i managed to survive FOC with water and just a few bites of each meal.
by the time nightwalk, about 12am like that, my eyes were already like puffy, so tired until cannot open my eyes properly. ron was like, "omg, joel! are you okay or not?"
nightwalk was like so entertaining, managed to walk through the nightwalk path, and do some scaring.
2nd day of camp really brought back memories, loads of memories. the posting of comms and FOC groups. can remember that day when me and steph were in the same group as welfare partners, steph was like screaming with joy and i stoned with ultimate spasm.
miss those GL days man!


now, it's back to FYP and dance...

it's gonna be 1 hell of a weekend.

it's gonna be 1 hell of a weekend.
will be away for trial camp.
and dance practises clash with trial camp, especially on saturday!
lucky there's no practises on sunday.

i need the energy to be able to practise freshie showcase, from studio 73 go to sports hall for mass games, and back to studio 73 for sophan's item, and so on...

byebye!

i still can't feel it.

i've got nothing to blog about...
no exciting happenings, nothing at all.

the 2 things that i'm currently busy with:

1) FYP (literature review sucks!)

2) dance! (got to practise even more!)